Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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