I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
