Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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