i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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