You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
