she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
