I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
