Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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