I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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