Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
