....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
