why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
