i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize
