I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
