YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
