you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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