It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize