I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
