Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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