I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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