i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
