So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
