theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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