I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
