Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
