1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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