The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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