It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
