absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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