Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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