Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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