I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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