I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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