It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
