I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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