I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
