Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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