she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
