Yo dont text me then not text me
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
