So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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