i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
