K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
