so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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