Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
