I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Ketchup is God's man juice
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
