White coat. Heels.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
