Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
