Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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