Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
