I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
