She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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