I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
