Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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