Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
