absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Randomize
