We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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