last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
