just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
