3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
