Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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