I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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