Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
