The maid of honor just puked.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
