So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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