just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
