if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
